When I was 21, I went on a girls' trip with friends from university. At dinner, one of the girls, known to be a liar, announced that she had just learned from her doctor that she had cancer and needed chemotherapy. She had never had chemotherapy, and most of the group (especially me) stopped socializing with her after that. Five years later, she confessed that she had been lying.
Recently, a new person joined my workplace, and I think she might be a similar scale liar. We get along very well, are similar in age, and are both talkative. She is also overly share-y. She says it's been the worst six months of her life, involving traumatic events that some of which sound unbelievable. I have to believe her, or I'll be the worst person. However, my instincts and life experience tell me that it's probably all made up or, at least, exaggerated.
Recently, she told me that her blood tests showed she had cancer. What do I do if she confirms she has it? I have a lot of empathy for her and spend a lot of time with her because she's sweet. But I've started telling my non-work friends her stories and talking about her behind her back.
No one likes to be lied to. But I went to see a psychologist and a professor of psychoanalysis, Alessandra Lemma, who thought "the central issue here is not really whether your new friend is really lying or not – although of course that's important at one level – but rather the way you find yourself in a painfully familiar emotional state."
Lemma felt this was affecting your reactions. "You're not meeting your friend neutrally, but in the context of a previous relationship in which illness, manipulation, guilt and mistrust were closely intertwined."
I found myself wondering if you grew up with people who exaggerated/lied and are constantly seeking truth stability. It's an exhausting existence for a child. Of course, it might have nothing to do with it, but these "high tales" are weighing heavily on you.
Lemma also noted that you seem to be stuck between two rigid positions: "believing these dramatic revelations, or risking being a cruel, emotionless person. Saying you'd be 'the worst person ever' is a helpful statement."
It seems you're struggling with uncertainty," Lemma continued. "It seems you're forced to make a moral decision before you settle internally. But in fact you don't need to make any final decision."
Lemma pointed out: "You have a split in your attitude towards your friend: on the one hand, you describe her as sweet; on the other, you start gossiping about her, which itself becomes a lie because you're not being honest with her about how you feel."
We both felt you don't need to become a detective. "You can respond with ordinary human empathy – 'That sounds tough', 'I'm sorry you're going through this' – without any commitment to decide whether all the details are true," Lemma said.
You will always encounter people who lie or exaggerate. The key is to have boundaries. "Your task is to tolerate some uncertainty, neither be naive nor punitive," Lemma said. "It might be helpful for you to ask yourself not only 'Is this person lying?' but also 'Why do I feel so compelled to decide?' The truth lies in the suffering that the lie points to."
Every week, Annalisa Barber addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you'd like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets that she can't reply to personal correspondence. Submission is subject to our rules and conditions. The latest series of Annalisa's podcast is available here.
